Dating and Relationship Questions and Answers

I miss my ex fiancé, Commitment issue no more

2 years ago, I was engaged to my ex of 4 years and living in his house.  I broke up the engagement using multiple excuses like our constant arguments over little things.  I initially blamed myself when I later gained some insight through therapy that part of the reason I'd been sabotaging my relationships (I'd been engaged to my college sweetheart previously as well) was due to my fear of commitment (which stemmed from the multiple separations of my parents while I was growing up). 

Eventually, I accepted we both were partly responsible.  He wanted for us to get back together but after I\'d refused for several weeks he started a "rebound" relationship with a woman.  I later realized I'd made a mistake and wanted him back.  It seemed like he wanted to get back as well but then found out his new girlfriend was pregnant with his baby.  He asked her to move in but not to get married.  They now have a 2 year old girl and he has told me he feels he has to try to make his relationship work for the sake of his daughter.  We've kept in touch by email 1-2 times/year (polite, impersonal, just saying "hi").

I believe I'm over my fear of commitment and I've been in 2 different relationships of approximately 7-11 months each which I've eventually broken up because I realize I really can't love them or make the relationship work .  After all these years I keep thinking about my ex-fiancé almost every day and I feel love sick over him several times per month.  I feel selfish and guilty about this, but my hope is that his relationship with the mother of his daughter, which seems rocky, doesn't work out and that he'll at some point come back to me.  I understand this sounds crazy and unrealistic but I have honestly tried to forget him unsuccessfully.  I don't know what else to do to get him out of my heart and mind.


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Dear Sarah

Troublesome scenario you've found yourself in, it's painful to have regrets in life. Allowing oneself to fully commit to a relationship is no easy task, your definitely not the first one to break it off over this kind of reasoning. I can sympathize with you longing for your ex although I'm not entirely sure you're feeling this way for the right reasons.

Life is a journey, full of twists and turns, adaptations and learning processes. As the years move on the way that we view ourselves and the world evolves to reach new levels of understanding. I think as we reach these new levels of thought we can sometimes reminisce about the past and figure if only we had a second chance, things would be different. Sadly the moral of story is that we can't live in the past, only the present, and sometimes we just have to move on.

I know this isn't exactly what you're looking to hear but it might be time to move on and try to think about someone else. Pining over an ex-fiancé that is long in the past and in a committed relationship isn't the healthiest thing to be concentrating on. You probably have devised that things would be different now, if only you had a second chance, but I think that may be a rose colored view on the situation. We make many decisions in life, and sometimes you've just got to go with the flow. Make the commitment to yourself and live in the present moment. Regretting anything in life is detrimental to your health, good or bad, we should all strive to be progressive.

It's a curious thought to wait and hope for the destruction of a couple's relationship. When in a fact you have admitted that you yourself feel damaged by the way your parents constantly broke up and got back together, would you wish this fate upon the child of your ex? No matter what happens between them, he'll always have a daughter with this woman, so in a fact will always be connected to her. As much as you view your previous headspace to be inadequate I'm sure it wasn't the only thing to aid the destruction of your relationship with this man. For the most part a break up is a two way street, and both contribute to the madness of the split.

Over the years you might find yourself comparing your new boyfriends to your memory of him. The strange thing about memories of ex relationships is often you highlight the warm notes and forget the negatives. I think this the way the brain heals from these traumatic experiences, after all unless the person was a complete train wreck who would want to remember their flaws in great detail. I think it's time for you to seek closure, and to stop monitoring his relationship with the other woman. It's time to live life, and try to whole heartedly seek connections with new people. If you were indeed meant for each other you will meet again when the time is right.

Like any heartbreak fresh or stale, try breaking out of your routine and trying new things. I find writing about your feelings in a journal, is often quite therapeutic. It's also a good idea to try to increase the volume of your schedule as to eliminate those cold evenings at home in front of the television. The less time you have at home alone to think about this kind of thing the better. Go get a part-time job, go to the gym, or enhance one of your hobbies. It's time to shake things up a bit.

Best of Luck! 

-Nate Lovestruck