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I couldn't commit, now i miss her...

I split up with my girlfriend of six years back in May. I was very fond of her and we had so much in common but over the years I always had doubts about whether she was the one, whether I fully trusted her, whether I fancied her enough, and indeed whether I loved her. Basically I could not commit to her so over those years we never moved in together. It came to a head this year when I was buying a flat which we were both to live in, but because I still had these doubts and worries, I finished the relationship, without I feel now really giving it a go.

My girl friend moved 300 miles away nearer to her parents, in fact I moved her down there. Within a week she met someone else and within two she was living with him. This all happened so quickly that by the time I had started to miss her, it was too late. I realize now how much she means to me and that I do love her.  I think about her from the moment I wake until the moment i go to bed and I am constantly beating myself up about how stupid I was to push her away. I feel the reasons I finished with her were shallow and stupid and I can see now how much the good far out weighed the bad.

We are still in contact and I have asked her many times to come back and give us another chance. Until recently she said she did not know what to do but when I pushed her on the subject last week she decided to stay with what she has now, though she still wants to keep in touch, and admits she may be making a big mistake. Everyone tells me I need to let her go, but I cannot accept that she has gone and I do not think I will ever get over the fact that I caused the whole situation.

This has been going on for 2.5 months now in which time I have been very depressed, anxious and desperate. Its hard to concentrate on anything else including work and my sleeping has been bad. I do not know what to do, if in fact there is anything I can do. I cannot see a future without her. I cannot keep begging her to come back ( I am still waiting for flat purchase to complete before I even have anywhere to live to offer her) as I do not want to drive her further away. I know I need to give her some space, but is there any hope?

William

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Dear William

Sounds like you have a good case of the regrets, and now it may be too late. It's going to take a while to adjust to the single life again, after all you have been in a relationship for over six years, the freedom can be overwhelming. Life on the other side of the spectrum is a lot different.

It's going to be a long road to mental recovery, and the solution is rarely found overnight. You were in a relationship with this women for over six years, and it didn't progress past a certain point, perhaps there was a reason. We all get caught up in love, the very emotion as potent as life itself has a way of blinding us from the truth. As much as life seems like it has lost all meaning I believe you may be in lust of the security more then the person.

A long term girlfriend represents stability, comfort and support. You've had doubts about the relationship for a long time and you acted upon them for a reason, if your doubts had no warrant you wouldn't have gone through with the breakup. Most men find it hard to go through with it, either having regrets and breaking it off, or even worse self sabotaging the relationship until she breaks it off with you. The sudden freedom as invigorating and exciting as it is can be quite terrifying. Rationality is often a forgotten trait of the heartbroken and sometimes makes it hard to see the situation clearly. The relationship was far from perfect, and you can indeed survive without this person.

It's common to go through anguish while in the transition stage, but believe me things will get better. For now, work on bettering yourself. After all the more confidence you build the better you'll be. Love is 25% your mate and 75% you. You must learn to love yourself before you can fully embrace anyone else. Work on overcoming your personal fears and worries about relationships before trying to jump back into one.

Remember, women smell desperation like a shark smells blood. As much as it may seem romantic to pine after a woman you've lost, eventually it drives them away. She's with someone else now and you have to accept that and move on. My best advice would be to not see her while you're healing, easier to get over her that way. Pack up all pictures and everything else that reminds you of her. Put them away in a safe place and don't bring them out again until you feel you are completely over her. Get out - but avoid going to places that remind you of her. Try to spend time with friends, go have some fun and over time you will get over her - I can almost guarantee it.

I hope all goes well, best of luck!

-Nate Lovestruck