trying to salvage a relationship - Commitment Issues |
My partner and I recently decided to take some time apart.
We have been dating for about a year now and it has always been rocky.
The problem is I "think"
I love him. His story is completely different. I sense he's depressed, doesn't know how to be in a healthy relationship and is very scared of
commitment and hurt. He had a horrible family life and has never learned
what a loving relationship entails.
Because of these facts, I half always felt cut short, wanting more out
of the relationship. It sometimes makes me feel bad about myself as I
start to think maybe it's me he doesn't want. I feel that I am lacking
the love and affection I long for, so we end up fighting. I understand
that he is trying to get his life together, his thoughts organized, and
is trying to give me what I crave. Through this he thinks I'm selfish
for wanting things now, because I'm ready for a serious relationship and
he isn't. He swears he wants a future with me, that I'm the best thing
that's ever happened to him but on the same note nothings really getting
solved and I'm not sure what to do. I feel rejected... Am I trying to
fix a person that is unfixable? Maybe he is too dysfunctional and I
shouldn't expect a regular loving relationship, but I do care fore him a
great deal and wish I could help...
What do you think?
D |
| Answer: |
Dear D
The fear of commitment, I know it well. At some point in his life,
he has learnt that trusting someone emotionally can lead to hurt.
Like a kid learning not to touch a hot stove, so comes his fear of
getting emotionally attached.
Love is a complex thing. After leaving a long relationship, a lot of
stray feelings float about restlessly in the abyss of the mind.
Wondering what our true feelings are, if we should turn back and
give it another go. The situation you find yourself in is not
uncommon, and as I tell many people, you have some heavy decisions
to think through before you make your next move.
First off list off the pros and cons of the situation.
What does he provide you with to make you better a person?
Is the energy output the same?
Do you have the energy to "fix him" without hurting yourself in the
process?
We all go into relationships with hopes of bettering the person
we're with. To connect with this person on emotionally, hopefully
growing to new levels of consciousness. Depending on the persons
fears, emotional maturity, and willingness to progress, the process
will be quick or spread out. Trying to help someone break through
their mental walls is never going to be easy.
You remain unsure of if you fully love him, are you ready to put
yourself out there to help him through his insecurities? You tell me he
wants a future with you but isn't ready for anything serious, are
you comfortable sitting on pause?
People can change, but not without a great deal of work. You can
advise him, bribe him, and plead with him, but until he realizes for
himself nothing will change. He may be "dysfunctional" but that's no
excuse for you to be in a relationship that isn't fulfilling your
needs. As cliché as it sounds, it's shape up or ship out, you
shouldn't be the only one making compromises.
We all want to help each other, and if it feels right, give it
another chance. As usual I'll say communication is key, sit him
down, and let him know the things that are really bothering you.
Tell him that you'd love to give it another chance but you'd also
like some things to change. Give him a reason to trust his heart
with
you and fully commit to him, assure him that your feelings are
sincere. Letting him know how you truly feel may help him open up to
you easier. The sooner he realizes he won't get burned, the sooner
he'll be ready to commit.
Best of luck...
-Nate Lovestruck
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